| jploveparade |
An Army colonel was reviewing the troops.
One man he passed sported an enormous erection.
"Sergeant-Major!" the colonel shouted."Give this man 30 days compassionate home leave."
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replied.
A few months later the same thing occurred with the same man.
"Sergeant-Major! Give this man another 30 days compassionate home leave," the Colonel barked.
A few months later, same guy, same problem.
The Colonel is angry. "Sergeant-Major! Haven't we given this man two compassionate home leaves?"
"Yessir," the Sgt. Major replies.
"Then what's his problem, Sgt. Major?" the Colonel asks.
The Sgt. Major salutes and says, "Sir. It's you he's fond of."
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A high school teacher was giving a true/false test.
He was strolling up and down the aisles surveying the students
at work. He came upon one student who was flipping a coin,
then writing.
Teacher: What are you doing?
Student: Getting the answers to the test. The teacher
shook his head and walked on. A little while later, when
everyone was finished with the test, the teacher noticed
the student was again flipping the coin.
Teacher: Now what are you doing?
Student: I'm checking the answers.
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Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend
college and law school. He decided to come back to the
small town because he could be a big man in this small
town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned
and opened his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk.
He decided to make a big impression on this new client
when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked
up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
"No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York
that I won't settle this case for less than one million.
Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next
week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other
members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the
DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details.
"
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes.
All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions.
Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
"I'm sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I'm very
busy. What can I do for you?"
The man replied, "I'm from the phone company. I came
to hook up your phone."
-----------------------
Although he was a qualified meteorologist, Hopkins ran
up a terrible record of forecasting for the TV news program.
He became something of a local joke when a newspaper began
keeping a record of his predictions and showed that he'd
been wrong almost three hundred times in a single year.
That kind of notoriety was enough to get him fired.
He moved to another part of the country and applied
for a similar job. One blank on the job application called
for the reason for leaving his previous position.
Hopkins wrote, "The climate didn't agree with me."
----------------------------
On a train from London to Manchester, an American was
telling off the Englishman sitting across from him in the
compartment.
"You English are too stuffy. You set yourselves apart
too much. Look at me... in me, I have Italian blood, French
blood, a little Indian blood, and some Swedish blood. What
do you say to that?"
The Englishman said, "Very sporting of your mother."
-----------------------------
A man is in his front yard attempting to fly a kite with
his son. However, every time the kite gets up into the
air, it comes crashing back down.
This goes on for a while, when his wife sticks her head
out of the front door and yells, "You need more tail."
The father turns to his son and says, "Son, I'll never
understand your mother. Yesterday, I told her I needed
more tail, and she told me to go fly a kite!"
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A young man from the city went to visit his farmer uncle. For the first few days, the uncle showed him the usual things - chickens, cows, crops, etc. After three days, however, it was obvious that the nephew was getting bored, and the uncle was running out of things to amuse him with.
Finally, the uncle had an idea. "Why don't you grab a gun, take the dogs, and go shooting?"
This seemed to cheer the nephew up, and with enthusiasm, off he went, dogs in trail.
After a few hours, the nephew returned.
"How did you enjoy that?" asked the uncle.
"It was great!" exclaimed the nephew. "Got any more dogs?" |
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