| jploveparade |
A man went to a plastic surgeon to get work done on his penis. The
doctor, curious, asked what had happened to it. "Well," the patient
said, "I live in a trailer court. A gorgeous creature lives in the
trailer next to mine. I used to peek into her trailer and I saw that
she had a habit. Each afternoon she'd take a frankfurter from her
refrigerator and put it in a hole on her trailer floor. Then she'd sit
on it and have a ball. She nearly drove me crazy. So I got a bright
idea. One day I got under her trailer and when she slid the
frankfurter into the hole, I slid it out and slipped my penis up
through the hole. She sat down on it and everything was great until
there was a knock at the door." "And then?" said the doctor. "Aw
hell," the patient explained. "That's when she tried to kick it under
the stove."
-------------------------------
Two old men were sipping brandies in their gentleman's club
when they spotted an elderly man in the corner that one of
them vaguely recognized.
"I say," said the first, "isn't that the pope over there?"
"I really don't know," came the reply, "why don't you go
and ask him?"
"Good idea... I think I will."
So he made his way over to the elderly gentleman in the
corner.
"Excuse me, sir," he asked, "but are you the pope?"
"Bugger off, and leave me the hell alone," replied the
elderly gent irritably.
Taken aback, the club member returned to his friend.
"What did he say?" he asked.
"He said, 'Bugger off and leave me the hell alone'!"
"Damn, now we'll never know..."
----------------------------------
"Good evening ladies", Sherlock Holmes said as
he passed three women eating bananas on a park
bench.
"Do you know them?" Dr. Watson asked.
"No", Holmes replied, "I've never met the nun,
the prostitute or the new bride we just passed."
"Good Lord, Holmes, how in the world did you know
all that?"
"Elementary, my dear Watson. The nun ate the banana
by holding it in one hand and using the fingers
of the other hand to properly break the fruit
into small pieces."
"The prostitute", he continued, "grabbed with both
hands and crammed the whole thing into her mouth."
"Amazing!" Watson exclaimed. "But how did you know
the third was a newlywed?"
"Because she held it one hand and pushed her head
toward it with the other."
-----------------------------
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead were trying
out for a new NASA experiment on sending women
to different planets.
First, they called the brunette in and asked
her a question.
"If you could go to any planet, what planet
would you want to go to and why?"
After pondering the question she answered, "I
would like to go to Mars because it seems so
interesting with all the recent news about
possible extra terrestrial life on the planet."
They said "well okay, thank you." And told her
that they would get back to her.
Next, the redhead entered the room and the NASA
people asked her the same question. In reply,
"I would like to go to Saturn to see all of
its rings."
Again, "thank you" and they would get back to
her.
Finally, the blonde entered the room and they
asked her the same question they asked the
brunette and the redhead. She thought for a
while and replied, "I would like to go to the
sun."
The people from NASA replied, "why, don't you
know that if you went to the sun you would
burn to death?"
The blond smirked and put her hands on her hips.
"Are you guys dumb? I'd go at night!"
--------------------------
Two Irish men walk into a pet shop. They go
directly over to the bird section. Gerry
says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The clerk comes
over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah,
we'll take four of dem dere budgies in dat
cage op dere," says Gerry, "Put dem in a
peeper bag." The clerk puts the budgies in
a bag, and the two guys pay for the birds
and leave the shop.
They get into Gerry's van and drive until
they are high up on a hill, and stop at the
top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "Dis
looks loike a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag,
places them on his shoulders and jumps off
the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops
off the edge and goes straight down for a
few seconds, before he hits the rocks below
with a 'SPLAT!'. As Paddy looks down he shakes
his head and says, "Fock dat, dis budgie
jumpin' is too fockin' dangerous for me."
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He too has
been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying
a 'peeper bag'. He pulls a parrot out of the
bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other
hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. "Hi, Paddy.
Watch dis," Seamus says and launches himself
over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as
half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows
the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to
plummet until there is another 'SPLAT!' and
his remains join Gerry's at the bottom. Paddy
shakes his head and says, "An' oim never troyin'
dat parrotshooting nider."
A few minutes after Seamus has gone splat, Sean
strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop,
and he walks up carrying the now familiar 'peeper
bag'. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out
of the bag, and launches himself off the cliff
with the usual result. Once more Paddy shakes
his head - "Fock me Sean! First der was Gerry
wit his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting
and now you fockin' hen glidin..."
---------------------------
Way back in the time of the samurai, there was
a powerful emperor. This emperor needed a new
head samurai. So, he sent out a message to
everybody he knew for them to send a message
to who they knew, and so forth.
A year passes, and only three people show up:
a Japanese samurai, a Chinese samurai, and a
Jewish samurai. The emperor asks the Japanese
samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should
be head samurai. The Japanese samurai opens up
a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOSH.
The fly drops dead on the ground in 2 pieces!
The emperor says, "That is very impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Chinese samurai to come
in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.
The Chinese samurai opens up a matchbox and out
pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOSH. WOOOOOOOSH. The
fly drops dead on the ground in 4 pieces! The
emperor says, "That is really impressive!"
Then the emperor asks the Jewish samurai to come
in and demonstrate why he should be head samurai.
The Jewish samurai thinks, "If it works for the
other two..." So the Jewish samurai walks in,
opens a matchbox, and out pops a little fly. WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOSSSSHHHH.
A gust of wind
fills the room, but the fly is still buzzing
around. The emperor says in disappointment,
"Why is the fly not dead?"
And the Jewish samurai replies, "If you look
closely, you'll see that the fly has been
circumcised." |
|
|
