| jploveparade |
There was a huge college freshman who decided
he would try out for the football team. "Can
you tackle?" asked the coach.
"Sure, watch this," the freshman replied, as
he ran smack into a telephone pole, shattering
it to splinters.
"Wow, I'm impressed," the coach said. "Can
you run?"
"Of course," said the freshman. He was off
like a bolt of lightning and in just over nine
seconds, had run a hundred yard dash.
"That's great," said the coach with enthusiasm,
"but, can you pass a football?"
Rolling his eyes and hesitating for a moment,
the freshman replied, "If I can swallow it, I
can probably pass it."
--------------------------
A man traveling by plane was in urgent need of a restroom
facility. But each time he tried, it was occupied. The
flight attendant, aware of his predicament, suggested he
use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not
to press any of the buttons.
There next to the paper roll were four buttons marked:
WW WA PP ATR.
Making the mistake soooo many men make of not listening
to a woman, he disregarded what she said when his curiosity
got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a
gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom.
He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!
So a little more boldly he pressed the WA button and
body temperature Warm Air blew across his wet bottom and
dried it comfortably.
"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long
in the bathroom with these kinds of services!"
So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A
soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted
his bottom lightly with talc.
"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for
the ATR button. When he awoke in the hospital, the morphine
was just wearing off... confused he buzzed the nurse to
find out what happened.
He explained the last thing he remembered was intense
pain in the ladies room on the plane.
The nurse explained, "Yes, you must have been having
a great time until you pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal
button."
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When you're hospitalized, it pays to be nice to your
nurse, even when you're feeling miserable. A bossy businessman
learned the hard way after ordering his nurses around as
if they were his employees. But the head nurse stood up
to him. One morning she entered his room and announced,
"I have to take your temperature." After complaining for
several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms
and opened his mouth. "No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated,
"but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually
he rolled over and bared his bottom. After feeling the
nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I
have to get something. Now you stay just like that until
I get back!"
She left the door to his room open on her way out, and
he cursed under his breath as he heard people walking past
his door laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor
came into the room. "What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answered, "What's the matter, Doc?
Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature
taken?" "Yes," said the doctor. "But never with a carnation."
---------------------------
A hip young man goes out and buys the best car available:
a 1997 Ferrari GTO. It is also most expensive car in the
world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a
spin and stops for a red light. An old man on a moped(both
looking about 75 years old) pulls up next to him. The old
man looks over at the sleek, shiny car and asks, "What
kind of car ya' got there, sonny?" The young man replies,
"A 1997 Ferrari GTO. It cost half million dollars!" "That's
a lot of money," says the old man. "Why does it cost so
much?" "Because this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!"
states the young dude proudly.
The moped driver asks, "Mind if I take a look inside?"
"No problem," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his
head in the window and looks around. Then sitting back
on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car,
all right!"
Just then the light changes so the guy decides to show
the old man just what his car can do. He floors it, and
within 30 seconds the speedometer reads 160mph. Suddenly,
he notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be
getting closer! He slows down to see what it could be and
suddenly, Something whips by him going much faster.
"What on earth could be going faster than my Ferrari?'
the young man asks himself. Then, ahead of him, he sees
a dot coming toward him. It goes by again, heading in
the opposite direction! and it looked like the old man
on the moped. "Couldn't be," thinks the guy. "How could
a moped outrun a Ferrari?!" But again he sees a dot in
his rear view mirror! Ka-BbblaMMM!
It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear
end. The young man jumps out, and it IS the old man! He
runs up to the mangled old man and says, "Oh my gosh! Is
there anything I can do for you?" The old man whispers
with his dying breath, "Unhook my suspenders from your
side view mirror"
--------------------------------
A guy walks into a bar with a dachshund under his arm.
The dog is wearing a Cincinnati Bengals jersey and helmet,
and is festooned with Bengal pom-poms. The bartender says,
"Hey! No pets are allowed! You'll have to leave."
The guy begs him, "Look, I'm desperate! We're both big
fans, the TV's broken at home, and this is the only place
around where we can see the game."
After securing a promise that the dog will behave, and
warning him that he and the dog will be thrown out if there's
any trouble, the bartender relents and allows them to stay
in the bar and watch the game. The big game begins with
the Bengals receiving the kickoff. They march down field,
get stopped at the 30, and kick a field goal.
Suddenly, the dog jumps up on the bar and begins walking
up and down the bar giving high-fives to everyone. The
bartender says, "Wow, that is the most amazing thing I've
seen! What does the dog do if they score a touchdown?"
The owner replies, "I don't know, I've only had him
for three years."
----------------------------
Bob was joining the army and they were handing out rifles
when he arrived, so he got in line. When it got to Bob,
they had run out of guns. The man issuing rifles gave him
a broom
''This is a magic broom -- point it at anybody, say
'Bangity bangity bang,' and they will die.'' Bob was really
worried because he didn't think it would work, but he got
in line for bayonets, thinking he might stand a chance
if he could stab them to death. As luck would have it,
Bob's turn came and they had ran out.
''Don't worry.'' said the man issuing them out. ''I
will give you this magic carrot -- point it at somebody,
say 'Stabbity stabbity stab,' and they will die."
Now Bob is terrified, going into battle with a broom
and carrot, when the sirens go off, signaling invasion.
Bob goes out, only to be laughed at by the enemy. One enemy
even comes up to him, hoping to get a good shot at him.
Well, Bob didn't have anything to lose so he pointed at
him and said ''Bangity bangity bang!'' and the guy fell
down dead. He did the same thing with the magic carrot.
Amazed at what was happening, he continued to fight.
Then, a guy came slowly up to him and he would not die.
Bob tried to shoot and stab him, but he wouldn't die. The
last words poor Bob heard as he was being trampled over
were ''Tankity tankity tank.''
------------------------------
One day, a pirate ship is cruising the seas off the coast
of England when the scout yells, "There's a English ship
on the horizon." Immediately, the crew looks to the captain,
who valiantly says, "Bring me my red shirt." The captain
dons the shirt and the British ship commences the attack.
The captain and his men fight valiantly and crush the british
attackers.
A few days later, the scout yells, "There are three
English ships on the horizon." Immediately, the crew looks
to the captain, and again he says (in his most manly voice),
"Bring me my red shirt." Again, the English ships begin
their attack and the pirates fight off all three of the
attacking ships.
After the battle is over, one of the mates sheepishly
approaches the captain and asks, "Sir, why do you keep
asking for your red shirt?" The captain replies, "I ask
for the red shirt so if I am injured in battle, you will
not see my blood, and will continue to fight." The crew
is in awe with these words.
The following week, the scout yells, "There are ten
English ships on the horizon." The crew again looks to
the captain, waiting for him to ask for his red shirt.
He is silent for a moment and then says, "Bring me my brown
pants."
-----------------------------
A man escaped jail by digging a hole from his jail cell
to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he
emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.
"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.
"So what," said a little girl. "I'm four." |
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