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Manchester United jokes
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| hardstyle |
Q: What do you say to a manchester united supporter with a good looking bird on his arm?
A: Nice tattoo.
Q) What is the difference between a hedgehog and a busload of manchester united fans?
A) On a hedgehog all the pricks are on the outside !!
Q: Did you hear that the British Post Office has just recalled their latest stamps?
A: Well, they had photos of manchester united players on them - folk couldn't figure out which side to spit on.
A man desperate at manchester united current situation decides to top himself.In his living room, alone, he prepares to hang himself. At the very lastmoment, he decides upon wearing his full manchester united kit as his last statement.A neighbour, catching sight of the impending incident, informs the police.On arrival, the police quickly remove the manchester united kit and dress the man instockings and suspenders. The man, totally confused asks why.
The policeman simply replies, "it's to avoid embarrassing your family."
Q: What do you call a manchester united fan with lots of girlfriends?
A: A Shepherd
Q: What's the difference between a manchester united fan and a trampoline?A: You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.I was talking to the manchester united groundsman and commenting on how green and lush the grass was
He replied, "it should be with all the sh#t that plays on it!!"
Q: How do you kill a manchester united fan when he's drinking?
A: Slam the toilet seat on his head!
Q: Why do manchester united supporters have Moustaches?
A: So they can look like their Mothers.
Q: What do manchester united fans use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.
Q: Whats black and brown and looks good on a manchester united fan?
A: A Rottweiler.
Q: What do you call a manchester united fan with no arms and legs?
A: Trustworthy.
Q: What's the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead manchester united fan?
A: Skid marks in front of the dog.
Q. Why do manchester united fans whistle whilst sitting on the toilet?
A. So they know which end to wipe!
Q: What do you call a manchester united fan in a 2 bedroomed Semi?
A: A burglar
Q: What do you get when you offer a manchester united fan a penny for his thoughts?
A: Change!
Jokes For Really Crap Sides
There's a rumour that manchester united have lined up a new sponsor - Tampax.
The board thought it was an appropriate change as the club is going through a very bad period.
An new Oxo Cube will be introduced early next year in tribute to manchester united.
It will be called "Laughing Stock".
The seven dwarves are down in the mines when there is a cave-in.
Snow White runs to the entrance and yells down to them.
In the distance a voice shouts out "manchester united are good enough to win the European Cup."
Snow White says "Well at least Dopey's alive!"
Q. What have the manchester united and a nappy got in common?
A. P*** upfront and crap at the back.
A burglary was recently committed at manchester united ground and the entirecontents of the trophy room were stolen. The police are looking for a manwith a dusty carpet.
A policeman caught a fan climbing the wall of the manchester united ground.
He made him go back and watch the rest of the match
Q. What's the difference between the manchester united keeper and a taxi driver?
A. A taxi driver will only let in four at a time.
Q: What have manchester united and a three pin plug got in common?
A: Their both useless in Europe.
Q: What's the difference between O J Simpson and manchester united ?
A: OJ Simpson had some sort of a defence!
Q: What's the difference between manchester united and a teabag?
A: A tea bag stays in the cup longer!!!!!
Q) What is the difference between manchester united and a lift ?
A) It doesn't take a lift nine months to go down
Q) What is the difference between Foot & Mouth and manchester united?
A) Foot & Mouth got into Europe.
Q: What is the difference between manchester united and a triangle?
A: A triangle has three points.
Someone asked me the other day, what time do manchester united kick off?
About every ten minutes I replied. |
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| raveed |
some funny though as usual theyve been replaced manchester united with lawyer or some race in most of em the others dont make any sense ....defensively weve been good and most of our defeats have been 1-0 and the FA cup isnt over yet so delete those no trophy jokes ...
actually itd make more sense if you replaced manchester united with hungary |
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| hardstyle |
| quote: | Originally posted by raveed
some funny though as usual theyve been replaced manchester united with lawyer or some race in most of em the others dont make any sense ....defensively weve been good and most of our defeats have been 1-0 and the FA cup isnt over yet so delete those no trophy jokes ...
actually itd make more sense if you replaced manchester united with hungary |
You right
:) |
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| hardstyle |
The United and City Car Crash Joke
A Man City and Man United fan collide in a huge accident on the motorway. Both cars are a wreck, but both men are unhurt.
"This must be a sign from God that we are meant to be friends" says the City fan "I agree" replies the United fan
The City fan then returns to the wreckage of his car, and finds a bottle of whiskey he had been saving.
"Look" he says to the united fan, "this must be another sign from God, we should drink this whiskey to celebrate our friendship and survival"
He hands the bottle over to the United fan who takes a large gulp from the bottle before passing it back to the City fan, who then puts the top back on & returns the bottle to his car.
"Aren't you having any?" asks the United fan. "No" replied the City fan, "I think I’ll wait til the Police get here."
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Maths made easy with Manchester United
From The Official MUFC Maths Workbook, which covers sums for practising Key Stage Two maths for 7-11 year olds. This has been introduced as part of the Government's maths campaign.
1. Roy is 78 yards away from the referee at Old Trafford and Gary is 65 yards away. If Roy can run at 21mph and Gary can run at 16mph, who will be sticking their vein-bulging forehead into the hapless whistler's face first, assuming Roy does not stop to stamp on an opponent on his way.
2. If one minute of time is taken up in a game for substitutions and one minute for injuries, how much injury time will be added on by the referee if Man Utd are losing at home?
3. Ryan is a Welshman. Express, as a percentage, the number of
internationals he has missed on a Wednesday evening compared to the miraculous recoveries he made for the following Saturday.
4. Manchester United are one of the giants of world club football. How many more European Cup Finals have they appeared in than Steaua Bucharest?
(For one extra mark; How many more than Reims?)
4a. How many more times have Manchester United won the European Cup than Nottingham Forest?
5. Phil Neville has 30 international caps. If you take away the number of appearances when he was the only adult male in England who could just about kick the ball with his left foot, how many are left?
6. You are the referee at Old Trafford. How near to a visiting defender does a tumbling Ruud van Nistelrooy have to be to earn a penalty if he goes down in the box? (Note: Round your answers down to the nearest 20 yards.)
6a. Probability. Express the statistical probability of visitors to Old Trafford being awarded a penalty. Compare this with the probability of opponents of Manchester United being awarded a penalty home or away, and then discuss if a penalty awarded to Manchester United would be awarded to their opponents in identical circumstances.
7. Mark "The Red" lives in Guildford. How much does it cost for him and his two sons to travel to the Theatre of Silence every other weekend, including limited edition matchday programme, a few drinks and prawn sandwiches all round? How much could he save per week if he watched his local team instead?
(Note: Round your answers down to the nearest thousand pounds).
8. Alex had a hotel room booked in Glasgow for the Champions League Final. How much money did he lose when cancelling his reservation?
9. Ruud is 6ft tall and very strong and fast. How much pressure need be applied to make him tumble over in the opponents penalty area? (Note: Answers must be in lbs per square inch. However, answers such as, 'However much pressure is applied by Ferguson to referees' are accepted.)
10. Alex has won it 1 time, Bob has won it 4. Alex has one, Bob does not. What am talking about? Explain your answer (because nobody else can).
11. Juan is a very lazy boy and often goes missing. Alex is very cross and wants to sells him. If Juan cost £28m to buy, how much do you think Alex sold him for? How many pennies did Alex lose?
12. What is the total number of chickens counted before they were hatched by Manchester United and their supporters who thought Real Madrid were a pushover.
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Spurs 1 Manchester United 8 - 2003/04
Manchester United's march towards the 2003/04 Premiership title continued today with a stunning display at White Hart Lane. The Super Reds went ahead just before the kick-off when Giggs was sent away down the left wing.
His cross was handled on the half way line by a Spurs defender and a penalty was awarded for this cynical foul. Ruud Van Nistlerooy stepped up to slot the ball home for United's 33rd penalty of the season. It was no more than United deserved.
The 15th minute saw the Super-Smashing Reds go two up after Jamie Redknapp was penalised for coughing just outside the area. David Beckham's resultant free kick was slightly miss-hit, but even if the keeper was not being pinned to the floor by Roy Keane, he would not have saved it. 2-0. It was no more than United deserved.
The 21st minute saw more trouble for Spurs when Mariccio Tarrico was sent-off for enquiring about the referee's Man United shirt. However two minutes after the interval Spurs struck back after an amazing piece of good fortune. The referee's assistant could only parry Simon Davies' shot and Robbie Keane thumped the ball home. Confusion reigned for 10 minutes as the entire Manchester United squad surrounded the referee, arguing that the referee's assistant had been fouled 15 minutes earlier. The referee grudgingly had to give the goal even though he racked his brain for a reason to disallow it.
Alex Ferguson was furious and rushed down from his seat in the stand to the dugout, knocking over a number of blind, disabled, pensioners in wheel-chairs on the way down. Fortunately, things settled down again as Paul Scholes took a long-range shot, which deflected off the corner flag but had clearly crossed the line, 3-1. It was no more than United deserved.
Just after the restart, un-sportsmanlike Dean Richards was dismissed for making ridiculous claims for a penalty after Roy Keane had nearly decapitated Robbie Keane. The referee and his assistant missed the incident as they were both asking David Beckham for his autograph, but replays showed that Keane's flying kung-fu kick, followed by a forearm smash was clearly unintentional.
Ten minutes later Ferguson took off Beckham and replaced him with Nicky Butt, Ole Gunnar Solskjaer, and Diego Forlan. Wonderful, wonderful Man United's 4th came shortly after. Robbie Keane was caught offside just outside the Spurs penalty area and Beckham's free-kick thundered in after deflecting off the underside of the flood lights. It was no more than United deserved.
The super, marvel, wonder Reds kept the pressure on until the bitter end. In the 98th minute Ledley King conceded a free kick just outside his own area for blatantly glancing at the referee. Giggs stepped up and proceeded to chip the ball right into the referee's path and he made no mistake from 10 yards. Goal number 5 and it was no more than United deserved.
Van Nistlerooy slotted home number 6 from the penalty spot after Freund went down with a broken leg. Fortunately Roy Keane was nearby when it happened and, after running 50 yards, he was able to bring the incident to the referee's attention. Unfazed by Freund's cynical tactics, protruding bone and spraying blood, the referee sent him off for diving (and time wasting) and awarded United the penalty. Van Nistlerooy cheekily chipped the ball over the keeper and the crossbar, but the referee decided that it was a goal, because based on past records, Van Nistlerooy rarely missed.
When the final whistle went after 33 minutes of injury time, Spurs traipsed off with their heads low, having been taught a footballing lesson by what is by far the greatest team the World has ever seen. As the losers hit the showers, a superb flowing movement by United culminated with a fine diving header by Alex Ferguson
and it was 7-1. However the referee decided that it was such a good goal, it should count double.
8-1 then - and it was no more than United deserved. |
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| Snagglepulse |
That's some funny .
:haha::haha::haha::haha::haha: |
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| mentalbarter |
maths thing is good
theatre of silence:toothless |
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