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| dj_mdma |
> 'If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with,' Crosby,
> Stills, Nash and Young proclaimed proudly once upon a time. Well I can't
> be with my girlfriend at the moment, because I'm in Risley Remand Centre
> awaiting trial for driving offences. And worse, the man in the cell with
> me is six foot four, called Skull, has Satan tattooed on his forehead and
> is serving a 7 year stretch for attempted murder.
> S Hymen, Risley Remand Centre
>
> The saying goes, 'See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have
> good luck.' Well I beg to differ. I'm a matador, and whilst picking a
> penny up at work the other day I was badly gored in the anus. That's not
> good luck in my book.
> Milos el Standish, Barcelona
>
> I HAVE recently started to m£sturbate whilst fantasising about Jeanette
> Krankie. My problem is that I cannot work out whether I am gay, straight
> or a paedophile. What do your readers think?
> D Barclay
>
> COULD the Home Secretary explain to me how biometric checks on iris
> patterns and fingerprints are going to help keep tabs on muslim cleric Abu
> Hamsa.
> Les Barnsley, Barnsley
>
> 'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania',
> says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month
> for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.
> Tracey Cusick, Cumbria
>
> HOW come rap artist Dr. Dre can use the 'N' word on his multi-million
> selling albums and win a MOBO award, yet when I used it at my son's
> football match I was asked to leave the park? Once again, it's one law for
> the rich and another for the poor.
> Reg Ashcroft, Bradford
>
> So HMV consider Andy Williams and Dean Martin to be "easy listening" do
> they? Try telling that to my mate Andy. He's been deaf for 20 years.
> Tim
>
> I couldn't sleep the other night so my wife suggested that I try counting
> sheep jumping over a 5-bar gate. I drove around all night looking for a
> flock able to perform this feat, but I hadn't found one by the time the
> sun came up. Needless to say I got even less sleep that night than usual.
> What a farce.
> A. Morris, Frampton
>
> According to Nietzsche, 'That which does not kill me makes me stronger',
> I'm sure my granddad would not agree. He suffered a series of massive
> strokes in the early '90s which have left him an incontinent vegetable for
> the past 12 years.
> A Thorne, Sandbach
>
> IT'S uncanny how some of these old sayings are true. 'Absence makes the
> heart grow fonder', said my wife as she waved goodbye to me on the way to
> spend a month with her mother. Since then I have grown quite fond of my
> next door neighbour. I actually gave her one on the living room carpet
> this morning.
> Christopher Hampshire, Bristol
>
> I AM becoming sick and tired with the media's politically correct
> obsession with gay s*x. It's getting so that I can't turn on the Fantasy
> Channel without seeing two naked homosexual women indulging in these
> sordid practices. I'm thinking of cancelling my subscription.
> T Cutt, Surrey
>
> I see on the news that Lord Hutton says he is "satisfied that David Kelly
> took his own life". He may not have liked Dr Kelly that much, but isn't
> this taking gloating just a little too far?
> Dave Owen, Edinburgh
>
> This Value Added Tax is a rip-off. I was expecting a great deal on a car
> the other day, and I ended up having to pay an extra 17.5% for it. There
> is no way that's added value. If anything, I'm about three grand out of
> pocket.
> Jon Cooke, Leicester
>
> The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
> questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official
> tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final
> score place our national champ in the world league table?
> Magnus, Sheffield
>
> After suffering a head-on car crash in Northumbria recently, who should I
> see rubber-necking slowly past the wreckage but haughty TV chef Clarissa
> Dickson-Wright in her Volvo. Did she stop to offer assistance?
> Did she bollocks. When she inevitably croaks from heart disease, I fully
> intend to dance on her grave.
> G Bryant, Sheffield
>
> I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's
> prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has
> the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given
> 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only
> dream of.
> Mrs Close, Headingley
>
> The government says that there are nearly 50,000 people with HIV in
> Britain, a third of whom do not even know that they have it. Is it just
> me, or is it a bit harsh that the government know and haven't told the
> poor sods?
> John Campbell, e-mail
>
> I drank three litres of white cider, a bottle of red wine and then a
> couple of cans on Friday night. Despite this, I had the test Saturday
> of my life. Can any of your readers explain why, because I am at a loss.
> Patrick Bateman, e-mail
>
> Never mind ventriloquists like Keith Harris and Roger DeCourcey. What
> about Professor Stephen Hawking? I saw him on telly blathering on about
> galaxies for hours and I never saw his lips move once. Genius.
> Mike Woods, e-mail
>
> Every time I use my local Nat West cashpoint, the screen says 'You have
> not been charged for this transaction'. Yet when I check my statement, I
> find without fail that I have had ten pounds debited for every tenner I
> withdraw. No wonder the banks are raking it in.
> Gary Beergut, e-mail
>
> With reference to that series "Manhunt" where ex-Special Forces soldiers
> try to hunt down Andy McNab. Why don't the producers include a couple of
> Iraqis in the hunting team? They found the twat quickly enough the last
> time he played hide and seek with them.
> Shuggie, Email
>
> It's all very well Meg Ryan getting her kit off for her new film, but why
> wasn't she doing it twenty years ago before her puppies hit the pan?
> Alan Pick, Kingston-upon-Toast
>
> I have just spent three hours making custard using Delia's recipe and it's
> a triumph, in that it tastes just like Bird's Instant.
> A.W. Thompson, Email
>
> I would like to thank Darren of Chelsea for not coming to Australia with
> Jenny. She is a great shag.
> Thanks again.
> Baz, Bondi
>
> Hats off to the witty burglars who stole my entire CD collection with the
> exception of "There is Nothing Left to Lose" by the Foo Fighters. I hope
> that when sentencing, the judge takes into account their splendid sense of
> humour.
> Chris Scaife, Jesmond
>
> Hats off to the American police. They arrive at Michael Jackson's
> Neverland ranch to arrest him a mere six months after he admits climbing
> into bed with young boys on worldwide TV. Perhaps they should get some
> faster cars.
> T Barnham, London
>
> How come my gran survived the horrors of the Blitz, but has been so badly
> traumatised by the clocks going back that she can't stop banging on about
> it? The stupid whispy-chinned bitch. |
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| Ste |
> The recent suicide of Harold Shipman has thrown up some interesting
> questions. For a start, does Shipman killing himself take his official
> tally up to 216, or does it count as an own goal? Where does this final
> score place our national champ in the world league table?
> Magnus, Sheffield
>
^ :stongue: |
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| MaRt |
| Good stuff! :stongue: |
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| Fundamental |
| quote: | Originally posted by dj_mdma
I was shocked to hear Home Secretary David Blunkett say that Britain's prison population has been ballooning for the past ten years. My God, has the world gone mad? Those people are there to be punished, not to be given 'thrill of a lifetime' experiences that most law abiding citizens can only dream of.
Mrs Close, Headingley
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:stongue: Quality! |
|
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| Ian^ |
> 'ONE pound a week will supply water for an entire village in Tanzania',
> says Oxfam. So how come United Utilities charge me twenty pounds a month
> for my three bedroom semi? The fleecing bastards.
> Tracey Cusick, Cumbria
:stongue: :stongue: :stongue: :stongue:
The one from the aussie guy is good too |
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tranceaddict Forums Archive > Local Scene Info / Discussion > Europe > Europe - United Kingdom & Ireland
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