|Originally posted by Orbax |
"I Am A College Student"
By Steve Hofstetter
I am a college student. This is what the world thinks of me.
I stay up late. I wake up later. I still need to sleep in class--when I go
I yell things at the top of my lungs, like "Party!" or "Spring break!" or
"College!" I have mp3 copies of every Dave Matthews CD ever released, and
I didn't pay for any of them. My room is covered in posters--especially
that one of John Belushi in a shirt that says "College" and the guy with
the windy cheeks from that Maxell ad. I live in a frat house.
Sometimes I play drinking games with my friends. Sometimes I play drinking
games with myself. I always drink five or more beers in one sitting.
I eat pizza for breakfast (when I have breakfast), ramen for lunch, and
I'm on the meal plan for dinner. I constantly complain about the meal
plan, but I take seconds anyway. Cargo pants are the perfect size for
Classes bore me, and I take the easiest ones possible. I don't study until
a few hours before my exam, after I'm up all night on Ritalin. I'm dumb
unless I'm double majoring in the hard sciences. I am not double majoring
in the hard sciences.
I have a bong in my room. My RA allows it, because she doesn't know what a
bong looks like, and I tell her it's a hookah. I do not know what a hookah
I like sex. I like sex a lot. It's all I think about, and every time I
leave my dorm room, it's with the express purpose of having sex.
Sometimes, I don't have to leave my room because people come to have sex
with me--usually while my roommate is trying to study.
I desperately want a job, but I am too irresponsible to do anything except
make copies. Sometimes I screw those up too. But no one else will make
copies all summer for $8 an hour because no one else is as poor as I am.
Companies like hiring people as poor as I am.
When I run out of Dave Matthews mp3s, I listen to Phish covering Dave
Matthews. When I can't do that, I listen to a few guys from the next dorm
who cover Phish covering Dave Matthews. One day, I hope to get a band
together so that we can cover them.
I use the CliffsNotes to write my papers, but I'm too lazy to read them
all the way through. I'd rather do research online than in a library. I
judge how cool I am by how seldom I go to the library. I think I'm pretty
I use Instant Messenger for 23 and a half hours a day. I have three
different away messages for every activity that I'm involved in. I have
two screen names so I can check who is online. I was thrilled when AOL
upped the limit on buddy lists, so I could add more people whom my
roommate stalks. I IM my roommate.
I use words like "sketchy" and "tool" and expect my parents to know what I
mean. When I go home over break, I argue about sleeping in the same room
with whomever I'm dating. My mother does not do my laundry fast enough. My
father found the condoms in my night table but is trying to be cool about
I am on my third cell phone. I lost one in a bar and smashed the other one
while I was just as smashed. I have 12 dozen numbers stored in my phone. I
don't know who half of them belong to. It takes me an hour to get
ready--unless it's for class. I can do that in 30 seconds.
Free food will get me to go anywhere. I'm not active in any clubs, but I'm
on 37 different mailing lists. I love all of my school's teams, even
though I can't name anyone on them. Except for that guy on my freshman
floor. You know, what's-his-name.
I am terrified of graduation, because I don't have a job lined up. Maybe
I'll go backpacking in Europe. Maybe I'll go to law school even though I
have no intention of becoming a lawyer. It doesn't matter--my parents will
pay for it.
Eventually I'll find a job. Then I'll become a young professional. I'll
get a studio apartment for a year or two until I earn enough to move into
a one-bedroom. All the furniture I own will still be made of
particleboard. I' ll try to go out at night, but I'll be too tired after
work. So I'll turn on the TV and see news stories about these damn college
kids yelling "Party!" and ruining the music industry and doing everything
they can to disrupt the lives of everyone who is not in college anymore.
And hopefully, I'll know better than to believe it.
In that case I can't wait till I go to College