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Aled Mann
Supreme tranceaddict



Registered: Nov 2000
Location: North Wales
HappyHappy Probably the best compaint letter ever

Below is a copy of a letter that won a competition as complaint letter of the year in the UK...it's pure genius. Have a laugh and read on...


quote:
Dear Cretins,

I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-one deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three-month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bog in your office:

My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat arse waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website...HOW?

I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone calls over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.

I estimate your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between about 6pm -midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have made 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems also highly skilled bollock jugglers.

I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been cut off); that I will be transferred to someone (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman...and several other variations on this theme.

Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustration's in print than to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.

I thought BT were shit, that they had attained the holy piss-pot of god awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere, ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well, there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment what a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.

British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services, which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to deliver - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief, quickly replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care from my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.

Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.



John



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Last edited by Aled Mann on May-22-2005 at 22:44

Old Post May-18-2005 12:32  Welsh
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Quinders
Supreme tranceaddict



Registered: Jun 2004
Location: Armagh, Ireland

quote:
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept


Nice line.

Let's face it we've all felt like writing a letter like this at some stage in our lives.

Old Post May-18-2005 13:06  Ireland
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Dervish
Your opinion matters.



Registered: Dec 2003
Location: Wick, Scotland
Thumbs up

Ace very funny too

Old Post May-18-2005 13:16 
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Mr. Pink
Furiously Happy



Registered: Dec 2003
Location: Atlanta, bitchezzz
Rasta

haha love it!


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Old Post May-18-2005 21:58  Puerto Rico
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jonSun
Supreme tranceaddict



Registered: Dec 2003
Location: Chicago CTA #77

That letter rawks.


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Old Post May-18-2005 22:11  United States
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bas
Stronger Lover



Registered: Jul 2004
Location: Here I Am Baby

hey what are you guys doing out of the COR?

send teh letter


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Old Post May-18-2005 23:55  Egypt
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Psionic
Dark & Dirty



Registered: Apr 2003
Location: Boston, MA

quote:
You are sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.


Old Post May-19-2005 16:09  Israel
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DJ Joshua H
Senior tranceaddict



Registered: Sep 2003
Location: Boston, Massachusetts
Jester Re: Probably the best compaint letter ever

quote:
Originally posted by Aled Mann
The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, although the technician did forget to bring a number of vital tools - such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum.



Now that's comedy!

Old Post May-19-2005 16:31  United States
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neoh
I prefer drum and bass!@#



Registered: Nov 2003
Location: /root

someone needs a job!

Old Post May-20-2005 03:34  Canada
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GlowstickFiend
tranceaddict in training



Registered: May 2005
Location: Tampa, FL

Oh wow. This is one amazing letter.

The detail that this guy goes through to tell his pain and suffering is 100% true. Ive been through it, you all probably have too. Customer support, no matter how long they stay open (24 hours a day), are still destined to be incompetent.

I like it, pure genius.


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Old Post May-20-2005 14:12  United States
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Reconceal
tranceaddict



Registered: Jul 2004
Location: Celje, Slovenija

Now this is golden


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Old Post May-21-2005 09:24  Slovenia
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Fir3start3r
Armin Acolyte



Registered: Oct 2001
Location: Toronto, ON, Canada

Classic!!

Good post!


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Old Post May-21-2005 14:55  Canada
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