My tip of suggestion to Pat
-Dont focus on the bad points, focus on the GOOD points!
-Try to focus more on your feelings, may be even with a few metaphors telling her how you feel and what she is to you.
-Focus more on HER, not you
-Depending on the girl, referring to her as "you’re the shit" is awkward. She may think you are more interested in her as a really good friend in my opinion.
-The letter is too much like a letter to a friend, make it more than that
-Finally, if you really insist on writing a letter, keep in mind that if you get rejected and she doesnt wanna go out with you, she has evidence against you and the letter may be passed around or humor.
Cant you just talk to her? A letter is too distant and impersonal!
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